Which celebrity warlord should you serve in the post apocalypse? part 2
America will collapse and we will be put in a civil war or a nuclear self defense situation. We all know it. Countless Americans will die and deservedly so. Celebrities will lead what’s left in warrior tribes. Fighting against one another using their hordes of drooling fat sycophants. I.E. you. Why are they in charge? Because God loves them and hates you. Who will you work for?
MARKY MARK, The Brave
Best stat: Courage
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry,’”- Mark Wahlberg, telling it like it is.
Imagine saying that. Publicly. ‘I would’ve stopped 9/11’. I’ve said it. Privately. Into my mirror every morning. It’s true, but I’m a coward. Mark has no such fear. Marky Mark Wahlberg, Duke of Boston, Lord of Wahlburgers may be the bravest human being to ever live. This is why he plays action heroes and tough guys in movies. Because with every fiber of his being he believes, knows, he could save the day. Meanwhile you’re sitting in theater while your wife fucks Vietnamese guys in your wicked small bed.
Positives: Your tribe will never be intimidated. If other tribes try to hijack your flight, guess what? That’s not gonna happen, chief.
Negatives: Your tribe may have difficulty recruiting non-whites.
“Kill the n*****s”- Marky Mark,1986.
“Vietnam f***ing s***”- Marky Mark, 1988.
Marky Mark doesn’t hate minorities anymore. However, depending on where the nukes drop, minorities could become majorities. Who knows how Mark will feel then. I suppose it will depend if they try to steal his airplanes. He will of course acquire a wicked large, costly to maintain, air force.
ALEC BALDWIN, The Gunslinger
Best stat: Dexterity
Special skill: Divine authority
“The trigger wasn’t pulled. I didn’t pull the trigger,” Alec Baldwin, lamenting his power.
Who else can say they shot two people without pulling the trigger? Because Alec Baldwin literally did that. The weapon felt his skill, and the object’s desire to be wielded by a true master was so powerful, it acted on its own. When the samurai’s blade is drawn, it must taste blood before being sheathed. The same is true of any firearm that end’s up in Alec’s masterful hands. Alec will survive the nuclear bombs misfiring by doing his perfect impersonation of Donald Trump and stealing his spot in the government fallout shelter. He may even be successful in exploiting the identity theft after leaving the shelter, depending on what state he decides to recruit Neo American death warriors from.
Positives:
If you work for Alec Baldwin all your enemies will be filled with holes. Cause he will fucking shoot them. Alot. Sometimes by accident.
Negatives:
You might also be filled with holes. Cause he will fucking shoot you too. Assuming your tribe can get a hold of any firearms. The 11 billion guns in America might not survive the apocalypse. Fingers crossed. You will also have to console Alec every time he kills someone. Reassuring him that every headshot wasn’t his fault at all. He’s the real victim, it’s awful having blood on your hands. Weep for him.
Neil Young, the Old Bard
Best stat: Wisdom
Special skills: Music Legend, Medicinal Expert
“You go to a supermarket and see a f$%*^@0t behind the fuckin’ cash register, you don’t want him to handle your potatoes,”- Younger Neil Young, on the AIDS crisis, which wasnt nearly as bad as covid, but countless potatoes were fucked by homosexual men. Freddie Mercury was a drama queen.
Neil young is a baby boomer. The baby boomer’s generation is the most vigilant and least paranoid of any, in regards to disease at least. They fell for the Cold War meme. “OMG WERE TOTALLY GOING TO GET NUKED BECAUSE OF THE COMMIES ‘’. What gullible suckers. Anyway back to diseases that will insta kill your whole bloodline.
The CDC recommends you don’t let gay fellas fuck your potatoes. Or asshole for that matter. The state of California disagrees with the CDC on the latter. However, Neil Young, because of his superhuman passion for medicine, and boomer wisdom, knows better. Unofficially, Neil Young has several doctorates in medicine. Step aside surgeon general here’s the surgeon admiral. That’s why he took a stand against Khan Joe Rogan in the before times. To save lives. Not because he hasn't gotten any attention in decades cause he be fuckin old and lost his touch. Definitely not that. Also, his music is timeless and worth many big billions. Spotify killed itself, dishonorably, after losing it. Definitely not overrated boomer rock schlock that people like because their dad had it on the radio.
Positive:
Neil’s music will make your tribe work, fight, and sex harder. His medicinal wisdom will keep you alive. Whether it be Covid 25 or AIDS II.
Negative:
The Rogan tribe and homosexual tribe and AIDS tribe don’t like you. Many manly enemies. Sleep with one eye open. They’re coming for your booty. Chimp style. Also, Neil really wants your opinion on his newer stuff.
Betty the White, the Golden Necromancer
Best stat: Longevity
Special Skill: Do I have to explain what a fucking necromancer is to you dumb dumb? She turns dead people into zombies that obey her.
“You thought I was defeated, mortal? Foolish hubris born of merited fear and unwarranted pride. You have no idea how truly insignificant you are. I’m going to enjoy this. Ending you. Then remaking you. Pirouette, my sweet puppet. You will dance in my damned court, forever. Right next to Blanche,”- Betty the White, Life Eater Lich Queen.
You thought it was over? That the praise for some old bitch that lived too long was finally over? ‘Fraid not. Betty the White is eternal. You will sing her praises from your skinless mouth until your bones crumble to dust after eons of service to her majesty. Technically she can be killed. A lich places its soul in an object. As long as nothing happens to the object the lich can survive anything. Betty, in her infinite wisdom, divided her soul among all The Golden Girls media. Countless VCR tapes and DVDs. Unclear how streaming services that provide The Golden Girls series affect this. Regardless, good luck smashing them all with irradiated rocks as her hordes of man eating corpses advance upon you.
Positives:
You are legion. All those killed by the nukes will walk again, to march in the name of Betty the White. Regardless of the walking deads’ quality, there’s a lot of them. Your enemies will literally not have enough bullets, spears and vaccines to kill you.
Negatives:
It’s actually entirely possible that the nukes destroy every copy of Golden Girls and all streaming services. If they don’t, I can almost guarantee you won’t enjoy being a zombie that must obey the whitest grandma to ever unlive. You’ll win, you just won’t be able to enjoy the sweet taste of victory. Also, she’s still not funny.
The Greatest Khan of Khans, Joe Rogan the Chimp Master
Best stat: Strength
Special Skills: Master of the Mixing of Martial Arts, Stand Up Supreme, Stool fucking, Good Interviewer, Chimp Whisperer, Uncancellable, Unbreakable skull, Chimp shout
“When you’re out there living in the fucking jungle, you want a tiny dick with a pee-hole so small that one of those ball eating fish can’t swim up there and eat your ball sack out from inside,” ― Joe Rogan, the Survivalist.
Do I even need to introduce the chosen one? I’ll try. Meager bard that I am. He went from man who punches things to man who talks funny things to man who talks smart things. Making him the most listened to man on earth while every corporation and communist demanded him banned. Your gay podcast about knitting in film doesn’t hold a candle to Mr Fear Factor’s monkey hour. This title shall endure into the new world. As he leads and trains pothead gym bros into taming the post apocalypse. Arming them with their own fists and chimp launchers. Advised by the smartest canceled chad doctors he can not fail. You listened to CNN, which is in ruins now, but not because of the bombs. Something else happened. I don’t know, I was on Ketamine. Joe Rogan didn’t listen and is a warrior god thanks to Ivermectin preserving his chi. If someone you know was killed by covid they wouldn’t be if you listened to Joe Rogan. Where’s your God now, liberal?
Positives:
Only midwits hate Joe Rogan. Muscle dummies and genius doctors love him. Meaning you have plenty of disposable cannon fodder as well as top rated advisors. Well rounded allies. Your enemies are only smart enough to point out how ridiculous capitalism and God is as you decapitate them with your new sick MMA moves. That is, if Joe’s horde of chimps doesn’t eat them first.
Negatives:
Hope you like talking about monkeys and cleaning their shit. Cause they shit a lot and Master Joe Rogan has many many pet chimps. They also go wild. Alot. Hope you’re not too attached to your face, because it won’t be for much longer. To you. They’ll rip off your fucking face. They are wild animals. Just like you.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mark-wahlberg-on-911-plane_n_1213029