THE PERSECUTION OF AN AMERICAN HERO
Frank Hassle is a man who needs no introduction. At the same time, an accurate introduction would be a herculean undertaking. As it is impossible to understate Colonel Hassle’s contribution to the world, let alone his country. The country that he loves. The U S of fucking A. However, I will attempt to do so now. He is a veteran. Having served in Vietnam, Iraq, Desert Storm and Best Buy. He has been involved in numerous black ops. He has told a boomer in a Dick’s Sporting Goods what sissy porn is. Donated hotdogs to the hungry. He has been kicked out of multiple “gyms” for “being a nuisance”. In truth, his only crime is not being a manlet and owning an off brand insulin pump. He has done the uniform proud.
There are those who don’t see it that way. A sane man’s hero is a villain in today’s globohomo society. Recently, Secret Sergeant Frank Hassle has confronted the notorious white supremacist Boogie1488. The hateful, and fatful, Boogmeister (as he is called on stormfront) has systematically targeted our beloved champion of social experimentation. Boogie is a fat liar who says crybaby bullshit for internet points. Corporal Frank Hassle confronted this bloated walking vagina like Siegfried confronting an obese dragon. Like Princess Leia strangling Jabba. Or Robo cop fighting a third overweight thing.
During this confrontation Lieutenant Frank Hassle got Boogie to admit to many not-based deeds. Like how the worst day of his life was, not 9/11 or the death of George Floyd, but the day his dad taught him how to masturbate. Cringe. Generalissimo Frank would critique Boogie and Boogie would talk about how something horrible that (allegedly) happened to him. Despacito Hassle then asked what Boogie would do if 00 Frank showed up at his house to make a video of himself walking Boogie around on a leash like a round dog. Boogie said he would take Commander Frank Hassle to dinner. Frank called him pathetic. Then things took a dark turn. Boogie said his neighbors would shoot Naval (no homo) Captain Frank Hassle because they love him. Evidently, Boogie doesn’t know his neighbors are patriots who would never harm a top secret dark marine on a mission.
The conversation ended and our hero would continue to mercilessly tweet at the Booger. Then Boogie posted something disturbing. A selfie. Then he posted something almost as disturbing. A video of some guy walking up to his front door. Pressing the doorbell and walking away. Chills. Boogie called Frank a psychopath for doing this. Even though it wasn’t Frank. Now the true villain of our story, Vito Gusisopaii (his last name is some wop shit I’m not looking up), enters the scene. Vito is famous for a few things. 1) Vaping Belle Delphine’s bath water. 2) Handing out pepsis at a BLM rally. 3) Giving OnlyFans half his income. The comedian advised his slim cousin to go to the cops. Then he said he realized the guy wasn’t Frank but Boogie should still see about him getting arrested.
Lil’ Hassle is no stranger to this kind of treatment. He saved good men’s lives during the war. When he got home, he was spat on and called a “baby killer” by someone in a RBG t-shirt. This is what it means to be a veteran in America. You do absolutely nothing wrong and monsters like Vito try to imprison you in prison. Where not cool stuff happens to you on the reg. This society of ours does not encourage laughter or empathy. It encourages destruction and fatness. Thank you for your service, Staff Sergeant Frank “Baby Killing” Hassle.